Me and you - Building peace through communication
 
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Dialogue as an attitude

 

Key concept  

 

Dialogue refers to interaction which aims to increase mutual understanding and enables unpredicted, positive outcomes.

Most people who engage in dialogue take as a starting point that dialogue aims to increase mutual understanding. Dialogue can be described as an attitude and mentality towards communication instead of a single act.

Let’s look at the difference between a bargain and a dialogue: in a bargain each party enters the negotiations with a premeditated set of goals and priorities. A dialogue is in a way the opposite of a bargain: the end-result of a dialogue might be something that none of the participants had thought about before – the results are created together in a process that often outstands and expands over the preconceived expectations. This often requires changes of opinions or even attitudes of the individuals during the discussion. Consequently, a huge part of dialogical skills consists of the personal work of creating inner safety and space to enable the possibility of smaller or bigger shifts in one’s own opinions.

Keeping an open mind and being able to review one’s own opinions is really challenging but at the same time it can be extremely rewarding. A dialogue is a possibility for each party to learn and grow. Peace education and dialogic communication can be an effective way to tackle ethnic and cultural prejudices, encourage critical thinking, increase solidarity and prevent segregation and excluding systems and behaviours.

Creating a safe environment for these sensitive shifts to happen requires safer spaces built on respect. Power dynamics, discrimination or unfriendly relationships between individuals do not disappear like magic when we engage ourselves in an activity that is called dialogue – we need to actively build and maintain the atmosphere of trust by meeting every (young) person with respect, as well as by creating practices that support inclusion. In the following chapter you will learn more about creating safer spaces for interaction.

In addition, dialogical communication requires skills such as active listening, capacity and the motivation to reflect one’s own ways of thinking, and positive attitudes towards learning and towards changes of opinion.

The practice of dialogue requires developing listening skills to truly hear another person’s point of view. However, this never means that one must necessarily agree with other people’s opinions. In the same way that we want to be understood correctly, we must strive to understand others correctly. Once this level of better mutual understanding is reached, it becomes possible to clarify how much we agree on and how far we disagree, mutually recognising and respecting both.

Signs of active listening:

  • Listening with interest
  • Creating a peaceful atmosphere without a sense of hurry
  • Being present: concentrating only on listening
  • Attitude of warm acceptance: restraining from judging, aiming to understand
  • Asking questions (only) to support the speaker to tell their story
  • Giving full attention to the speaker: restraining from sharing your own experiences

Building capacity to reflect your own thinking as well as to create and maintain a positive attitude towards learning and changes and shifts in opinion more than anything else asks for inner safety and playfulness – the acceptance of oneself, and trust that I can rely on myself and I care for myself, in all situations. Instead of being afraid it is about being able to be at ease with your own ideas and thoughts and having a curious mind: “I didn’t know I could think like this! How interesting!” Chapter 3 (Me) in this course builds these capacities. The process of creating more and more inner safety usually takes time, so feel free to revisit the “Me” chapter whenever you feel you need support or more building blocks for your own wellbeing. It is important to remember that we do not have to feel secure or strong all the time. We can be vulnerable as well and still be capable of acting.

 

Exercise



Becoming aware of our own intentions

Very often we do things without being aware of the intentions of why we do or say certain things. This is understandable and normal: it would take a lot of time pondering over every intention over every action. But sometimes it can be useful to reflect on our intentions. Sometimes conflict arises because of our intention for an action. For instance, we can help someone with the intention that they would be thankful and like us more and if this does not happen, we might become frustrated. If we are aware of our intentions, we can be more understanding and compassionate towards ourselves and maybe alter our behaviour, if we feel that would be appropriate.

Think of something that you did for another person during the past week. For instance, it can be a work task that you did to help a colleague or something you did at home for a family member.

Write down something you did or said.

Describe the act on paper and write down the intention or intentions that you recognise under it.

When you look at your intentions, how are you feeling? Were you aware of your intentions? Notice both your intentions and the feelings about them in a neutral and accepting way. This work to build self-awareness can sometimes feel challenging. Honour and thank yourself for your efforts.

Dialogical communication can be seen as a responsive, enriching encounter and conversation, a process of building shared understanding amongst people or groups of people. It fosters an attitude of openness and of wanting to learn more about others as well as about oneself. In this kind of communication, all members of communication are treated as subjects, whose life experiences, knowledge and opinions might differ but who are all willingly engaged in communication. It requires engaging with other perspectives and being honest about one’s own intentions and perspectives. Dialogical communication invites each party within the community to become aware of their own prejudices and their “frame” (more about FRAME in the previous chapter) but also being open to other people’s questions and claims.

Furthermore, any mutual understanding will be partial and temporary, because people, perspectives and contexts change. Dialogical communication can bring diverse groups of young people into constructive conversation and co-operation to break down stereotypes and rebuild trust. The intended result of communication is often that participants gain an understanding of others’ ways of feeling, thinking and expressing themselves, which then develops empathy towards each other and allows them to bring about change. In this way, dialogical communication can transform relationships and strengthen trust between those who communicate.

Dialogue can build trust among participants, but it also requires some trust so that it can feel safe enough for young people to engage in it. If conflict occurs, simply adding more communication can be harmful. Sometimes it is wiser to keep some groups separate and work with them separately until you can trust that they can talk to each other with respect.

 

Exercise





Mirroring

This team-building exercise suits groups that already have some experience of working together. This exercise can build trust among participants. In this exercise, participants point out what they appreciate about the group and share some needs that they have for group work.

  1. Ask the group to form a circle.
  2. Share the purpose of the exercise, which is to share what everyone appreciates about the group and to understand some needs that participants have.
  3. Ask each person to think individually about what they appreciate about the group. What makes them feel comfortable in this group? They can write notes if they wish to.
  4. Ask participants to form pairs.
  5. Ask the pairs to share something about their thoughts to the other person. One does not have to share everything they thought. One person is telling first and the other is listening without interrupting or sharing their own ideas while it is the other’s turn. Then pairs change turns and the second person is telling what makes them feel comfortable in the group and the first person is listening without interrupting.
  6. Ask every pair to choose one or two elements that make them feel comfortable in the group, that they wish to share with the whole group.
  7. Ask the pairs to discuss which one is feeling more comfortable with sharing their thoughts to the whole group.
  8. Each pair describes 1-2 things that they appreciate about the group. You can choose to go one pair at a time around the circle or you can use the “popcorn method” and ask the pairs to “pop when they are hot” and share their thoughts when they feel like it. Tell the others not to comment in any way when one pair is sharing their thoughts. The other’s role is to listen and concentrate on what is being said. Note that what people say may vary considerably and that’s okay. The aim is to be open and listen without judgement.

After each pair’s turn, ask that if anyone has the same thing that they appreciate about this group, raise their hands.

  1. The process continues with the next pair sharing their thoughts until everyone has had their turn.
  2. Once the exercise is complete, thank all the participants and ask them what it was like to listen to others without making comments and how it was to share their thoughts if they knew that no one would interrupt or make comments.
  3. You can continue the exercise further, and ask the participants to think and discuss what kind of changes in group dynamics would make them feel even more comfortable in the group than they do now. You can use a similar structure in the second round of thinking and sharing or use different group work methods. This exercise can be used as a tool in making agreements for a safer space for your group.

How a conversation starts influences how the entire interaction plays out. Imagine for a moment that someone approaches you with a complaint. If they are blaming you or criticising you, it is hard to remain calm and open to what they are saying. We start feeling afraid, anxious or defensive easily when we hear criticism. And from this perspective, it is difficult to engage in meaningful conversation. What we perceive as blame or criticism might often include “You” statements and words like “always” and “never”. Starting a conversation with “You always…” or “You never…” can set the conversation in the wrong direction, and even damage the trust and connection.

Many of us already know from education and life experience that our point usually gets more effectively across if we bring forth our point more gently and use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. But it is not always easy to do that in real life situations when conflict emerges, and we get disappointed or angry. That is why it makes sense to practise the softer way of dealing with conflict, when there is no acute conflict at hand. If you want other people to listen to what you have to say, it can be a good idea to avoid direct criticism and blame instead of explaining your concerns and describing what you would need. And what is most important here is that one has to remain respectful and non-judgmental and truly give the other person some space to think and tell what your words make them feel and think. Communication is a two-way channel. In a softer way of speaking of a problem, you can describe what is happening using facts and your own experiences. However, it is risky describing a problem using someone else’s experiences if that is not absolutely necessary, because it can sound like gossiping and can make solving the problem complicated.

 

Exercises





What do I need? How do I communicate my needs?

Practise using softer language by changing some harsh comments to softer versions. You can invite your colleague to do this exercise with you.

Example of an accusation starting with “You always…”:

“You always miss deadlines and ruin our schedule.”

A softer statement could sound like this:

“I am happy you returned the text now. You returned your text 3 days after the agreed deadline. I don’t know why you returned it late. That made me worry if we can keep our promises to our partner, and I was afraid we might lose our contract with them. It was hard for me to concentrate on my own work because I was so worried. How could we work together and see what needs to be changed, so that you could keep our agreed deadlines next time?”

Your version of a softer statement can look very different.

Work individually. Try transforming these harsh accusations to softer statements, and write your own versions down:

“You leave your tasks half-done and I have to finish all of your work for you!”

“You are always speaking to me like I was a child!”

“You always leave dirty dishes in the kitchen!”

You can also think of an example of your own, and transform it.

After you have transformed the statements, please go through the softer statements with your colleague. Reflect together:

What was it like to do this exercise? Did you gain any insights from this exercise?

What did this exercise teach you about communication in a work setting? Did this exercise change how you approach a problem in work relationships? How?







The art of being present

This exercise is designed to practise the skill of being present while communicating with others. Being present is a very powerful tool in active listening. However, what it actually requires is being present to oneself and one’s own feelings. Start with safe situations where you feel supported and cared for. Then you can expand to practising it in more challenging communication situations.

  1. Choose a safe person, someone you trust, to do this exercise with. It can be a friend (from work or free time) or a family member. Ask them if it is okay for them to take part in this exercise.
  2. Before you start talking, close your eyes for a second and “Take a moment” to check-in how you are feeling right now. How is your breath? What do feel or sense in your body? You don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to.
  3. Start telling your pair how you are right now. You can start from the present moment but you can share whatever you want and feel comfortable sharing. If you don’t know what to share, try tuning back into your body and how you are feeling. Try to remain open to feeling what is happening in your body while you speak. Are there any changes in what you feel? When one person speaks, the other one listens actively with an intent to stay present to their own body. What do you feel when you listen? How does your body react to the things your pair is telling you? Try to remain present to listen to both your pair and to your body.
  4. After one person has shared, swap roles but keep the intention of being present to your own body. You can take a break before the other person starts sharing. You might even want to write down some observations in your notebook.
  5. After both of you have shared, take a moment. Close your eyes and scan your own body with the intention to listen. How do I feel now? How was it for me to share? How was it to listen to the pair? How did it feel to try to remain present to the body?
  6. Finally, reflect on this exercise. You can write your thoughts down in your notebook. What does it feel like in your body when you share? How does it feel to be listened to? Was it hard to remain present to both what is happening inside and out?
  7. If you want, you can share your reflections with your pair.




Communication without words

Sometimes communication does not require words. For this exercise you will need to find a place with either animals or plants. This exercise can also be done outdoors.

  1. Start by choosing a place where you can sit, stand or lay down easily.
  2. Close your eyes and become aware of your own body and breath. How do you feel right now?
  3. Open your eyes and look around you. Choose an individual representing another species (animal or a plant) you want to do this exercise with.
  4. Try implementing the principles of active listening and the attitude of dialogical communication to create a respectful encounter. You may want to try to observe, listen and / or approach your “pair”.
  5. Try to listen with your whole body and stay open to what you might hear, see or feel. Practise being present to your own body while you listen to what is happening outside of you. Continue the encounter as long as it feels good, but try to make it last at least 5 minutes.
  6. Finally, reflect. How was this encounter for you? What happened? What did you learn from this encounter? You can write your thoughts down in your notebook.
 

TIP! Even a short visit to a forest is proven to reduce stress and balance the nervous system.





What is your perspective?

This exercise is from Hilary Cremin and Terence Bevington’s book “Positive peace in schools”.

  1. Start by reading the story “The Blind Men and the Elephant”. This is a traditional tale that originated in the Indian subcontinent. It has made its way into many world religions; a link to the Jain version is given below.

After reading, discuss the moral of the tale.

  1. Stand in the middle of a circle of chairs and ask the participants to describe you, but only on the basis of what they can actually see. They can describe your clothes, hair or anything they actually see from where they are looking at you.

Discuss the fact that each person sees something different depending on where they are looking from.

Discuss the ways that this might happen in everyday life.

  1. Show a picture of a place to the group. You can show any picture of any place, but something with many details might make this exercise more interesting.

Ask the participants to write down in secret what is the most important or interesting thing about the picture.

When they have finished, discuss what they wrote down.

Follow this up with a discussion about people seeing things differently, even when they are looking at the same thing.

The Blind Men and the Elephant

by James Baldwin

The Blind Men and the Elephant is a parable from India that has been adapted by many religions and published in various stories for adults and children. It is about a group of blind men who attempt to learn what an elephant is, each touching a different part, and disagreeing on their findings. Their collective wisdom leads to the truth.

There were once six blind men who stood by the road-side every day, and begged from the people who passed. They had often heard of elephants, but they had never seen one; for, being blind, how could they?

It so happened one morning that an elephant was driven down the road where they stood. When they were told that the great beast was before them, they asked the driver to let him stop so that they might see him.

Of course they could not see him with their eyes; but they thought that by touching him they could learn just what kind of animal he was.

The first one happened to put his hand on the elephant's side. "Well, well!" he said, "Now I know all about this beast. He is exactly like a wall."

The second felt only of the elephant's tusk. "My brother," he said, "you are mistaken. He is not at all like a wall. He is round and smooth and sharp. He is more like a spear than anything else."

The third happened to take hold of the elephant's trunk. "Both of you are wrong," he said. "Anybody who knows anything can see that this elephant is like a snake."

The fourth reached out his arms, and grasped one of the elephant's legs. "Oh, how blind you are!" he said. "It is very plain to me that he is round and tall like a tree."

The fifth was a very tall man, and he chanced to take hold of the elephant's ear. "The blindest man ought to know that this beast is not like any of the things that you name," he said. "He is exactly like a huge fan."

The sixth was very blind indeed, and it was some time before he could find the elephant at all. At last he seized the animal's tail. "O foolish fellows!" he cried. "You surely have lost your senses. This elephant is not like a wall, or a spear, or a snake, or a tree; neither is he like a fan. But any man with a particle of sense can see that he is exactly like a rope."

Then the elephant moved on, and the six blind men sat by the roadside all day, and quarrelled about him. Each believed that he knew just how the animal looked; and each called the others hard names because they did not agree with him. People who have eyes sometimes act foolishly.

 
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