Me – building capacity from inside out
 
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Boundaries and peace

 

 

Key concept  

 

Personal boundaries are the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others. These boundaries may have to do with physical or social contact with others, taking part in some actions or activities, or managing resources such as time or money.

Setting boundaries is simply about communicating your needs in a healthy interaction to someone else. Personal boundaries are a vital part of self-care but are not always easy to establish or keep. In this chapter we discuss why boundaries are important, how they link to self-care and how to overcome some of the most typical barriers of setting your boundaries.

Protecting boundaries is something that we learn in socialisation, and, since we grow in different social environments, not everyone has the same understanding about the importance of personal boundaries or the same abilities to recognise and protect them. It is always possible to learn how to recognise and protect one’s boundaries and communicate about them to others in a peaceful manner. Sometimes we must be firm when we communicate to others that something is getting close to or even violating our boundaries. Minding and caring about your own boundaries is an important pillar for your own and your communities’ wellbeing. On a personal as well as societal level, respecting personal boundaries and rights make room for justice, equality, and peace.

We often notice boundaries when something or someone is about to challenge them – if we communicate that our boundaries are close to being bypassed, the others have better possibilities to re-evaluate their behaviour. If we do not respect our boundaries and let others surpass them, we might get upset or feel resentment afterwards. We usually know inherently what the right thing to do is, or how we wish to be treated. Doing the right thing or being honest with yourself and expressing it to others feels good at least in the long run, even though it is not always easy. Not everyone may like or understand your boundaries or your reasons for setting them. They have a right to their opinion, and you have a right to determine how you wish to be treated. If you do not set boundaries, you certainly cannot expect them to be followed. Having said that, setting boundaries is a skill that can be practised.

It often takes courage and strength to set boundaries, but when you do so, you can feel comfortable and inner strength knowing your needs have been communicated. And if someone chooses to violate your boundaries after that, you would be within your rights to create further distance between yourself and that person.

 

Boundaries typically fall into a few specific categories:

 

Emotional (protecting our own emotional wellbeing)

Physical (protecting our physical space)

Workplace (protecting our ability to do our work without interference or drama)

Material (protecting our personal belongings)

Time (protecting the use of our time)

There are many barriers that hinder us setting and protecting our boundaries. Often the first one has to do with identity. Many of us are used to setting our own needs and wishes aside in order to maintain peace or avoid conflict. This is the way we might be used to seeing ourselves, and it seems hard to step out of that role. However, if you do not limit your time or other valuable resources just to “keep others happy”, it might take a huge toll on your own wellbeing. We all need to make compromises occasionally, but not listening to one’s own needs and wants (maybe out of fear of abandonment) means that you are actually abandoning yourself.

 

Typical barriers to boundary setting

 

(and the quick answer how to overcome this barrier):

  1. You don’t know what you want -> Working with your values will help (see exercises in chapter My values)
  2. You don’t know how to set boundaries -> Practise the 5 C’s (by Michelle Elman) when setting a boundary: calm, compassionate, clear, concise, consistent
  3. You don’t know how to process your feelings linked to boundary setting (esp. Guilt or fear of abandonment) -> Practise validating your own emotions and supporting inner safety before and after setting a boundary (see exercises in the chapters: Inner peace and resilience AND Self-regulation in challenging times)

By attuning to your own needs and setting boundaries you can protect things that are dear to you. This could mean protecting your time, energy or physical boundaries (or something else) – but the goal is the same: to make sure you have time and energy to do the things that are really important to you.

 

Exercises



My boundaries

How do you take care of your boundaries? How do you know when you need to say “yes” and when you need to say “no”? Do you get a clear gut feeling about it? Do you visualise your limits or name them?



My barriers to boundary setting

Take out your notebook and answer to the following questions:

Is it sometimes hard for you to set boundaries? Which one of the three typical reasons do you think applies to you?

What actions could you take to help yourself to overcome the barriers? Describe a concrete action and plan how to incorporate it in your own life. In which situations could you practise it?



Utilise boundaries to take care of yourself

Think about the exercises “Self-care plan” and “Bringing values to life” that you made earlier on this course. Do you need to set some boundaries to support your plans? Take action.

 
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